Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Assalamualaikum.
Have you ever feel that you're depressed ? Feeling that you're insecure ? Feeling that you're fat ? Feeling that you're ugly ? Everything around you seems to be kinda different from usual. Have you ? Well , If you haven't , be aware of it. If you did experienced these kind of feeling , please do continue reading this post.
'That' feeling you have should not be in you. I honestly do not know what is this disease called but I kinda experienced it now and never stop bugging my mind. Here's and honest truth from me , I am not a slim and slender-type of body who girls would actually like. I might as well may say that I'm not fat either. Its just that my bones are big , bigger than everyone else in my dorm. Sometimes , I felt that I'm very damn fat and tried everything to lose my weight but nothing much happen. I tried everything but it seems that I can't , my body won't react to it. Know what , sometimes , I really wanted to have a body shape like those male models or being slim and slender is just enough for me but yet , I can't.
Feeling insecure , it's too odd. Everyone do experience this feeling. But have you ever wondered how to solve this feeling ? From my experience , I always felt insecure whenever I'm outside of my house. And that is the reason why I am always in my room , online and watch tv. I also feel insecure when I saw my friend calling his girl or her boy. Why ? Because it makes me feel sick , it remembered me to my past relationship.
After I gathered some of my own private problems , I kinda found a way to help improve my mood. One thing that improves my mood a lot is when I laugh. Laughing does improve my mood in a better way. Apart from that , you need to realise what is the need of you doing things that won't have the best result on you. Such as how I tried a lot on losing weight but in the end , it stays the same. So , what's the point of you keep on doing things that will give a negative feedback ?
You should believe in yourself whenever you do things that you really wanted to do. From my experience , I wanted a BlackBerry so much and got this one day where I start to save all of my money to buy a Blackberry and finally I got a blackberry. In fact , I've changed my Blackberry for 5 times already. So , what you should do is you should believe in yourself. Believing in yourself will convince you doing the very right thing.
Honestly , I still feel insecure and all but with the help of my friends around me , alhamdulillah , these kind of feeling can be settled easily.
the writer,
Eyman Asyraf
what we could have been, 12:20 am.
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
Dear Additional Mathematics,
Recently , I've answered 50 questions of AddMaths during my exam and I got so fucked up a lot ! The question was from the chapter one , Function. It does not even involve Inverse Function. So , I was a bit happy with my result because I never got my marks below 50%.
So , last week's Friday , our teacher taught us on how to sketch graphs in Quadratic Inequalities. It was so damn hard , I can't even understand any damn thing.
Tomorrow , AddMaths is the first and the second period from the timetable for my class. I wished that I won't be sleeping in class tomorrow. I don't want to end up like last week , when I slept in the class and suddenly the teacher tapped my back and asked me to answer the question. Luckily , I was enable to answer that question. It took me 40 minutes to finish JUST A QUESTION ! DAFUQ. So , Additional Mathematics , WHEN WILL YOU BE EASY IN QUESTIONS ??
Sincerely,
AddMaths sucks.
what we could have been, 12:42 am.
*here's my mom
Assalamualaikum.
I know , it's not a picture from Tumblr but instead , a picture of my mom. Its nothing actually , I wanted to express what I felt about my mom.
31st May 1996 , I was born , after 9 months being carried by my mom in her placenta , I had finally got out from it. She suffered from everything , that tears from me , when I was a baby made her happy. She cheered joyfully.
As I grew older , everything started to changes. My attitude and all , changed suddenly.
Okay , lets forget what happened at my past.
One day , I got this major broke down , I felt totally DEAD and I just can't do anything , I'm not in the mood to do anything. When I was on my bed before I fell asleep , I suddenly thought of my Mom. What did she do now etc etc. Without knowing anything , I burst into tears.
There's wrinkles on her face. I just can't believe it. She's getting older day by day. Sometimes , I just don't want her to grow older , I want me myself grow older than her and take care of her. I'm not praying or anything but I don't know what will happened if she dies one day. I don't know how my life will be. I am not sure will I still be at here or not. I am crying now. Nobody can replace my mom.
I always told her
" Ibu , Iman tak tahu lah kalau Ibu Iman ni orang lain. Maybe keluarga kita akan jadi huru hara kot "
" Why ? Kenapa Iman cakap macam tu ? "
" Sebab , Ibu sorang je yang faham Iman. Ibu sorang je yang akan pulihkan keadaan sekeliling Iman. Iman tak sanggup nak tengok Ibu pergi daripada hidup Iman. Iman tak nak Ibu pergi sebelum Iman. Kalau boleh , Iman nak Iman pergi dulu sebelum Ibu. Iman tak sanggup tengok Ibu takde dalam hidup Iman. Iman tak nak diri Iman takde Ibu kalau Iman hidup. Iman sayang Ibu. Iman tak sangka yang Iman akan dapat Ibu yang terbaik macam Ibu." I burst into tears.
To Ibu ,
Iman tak sangka , Ibu pandai jaga Iman. Iman tak sangka , walaupun Iman failed dalam Biology , Ibu kata cuba lagi sebab ini hanya permulaan. Ibu sentiasa bagi Iman duit bila Iman minta dan Ibu tak pernah merungut nak bagi duit. Kekadang , Iman rasa malu bila Iman mintak Ibu duit sebab asyik tiap-tiap minggu je Iman mintak. Bila Iman beli Blackberry tanpa pengetahuan Ibu dan akhirnya Ibu tahu juga , Ibu hanya cakap supaya jangan buat lagi je. Ibu kata kalau beli daripada duit yang halal , alhamdulillah , kalau haram , jual balik dan pulangkan duit kepada tuan empunya duit. Iman ingatkan Ibu nak marah.
Tapi , tak sangka , Ibu dah semakin tua. Walaupun umur itu meningkat , tetapi di mata Iman , Ibu tak pernah nampak tua. Ibu tak pernah nampak tua walaupun sekali. Iman tak sangka akhirnya Iman akan tulis post ni kat blog Iman. Dah lama perkara ni berlaku. Iman hanya berdiam diri , sebab Iman tak nak Ibu tahu betapa seksanya hati Iman sekarang ni. Iman tak nak Ibu tahu bahawa Iman sedang menghadapi satu peristiwa yang amat menyakitkan hati. Kekadang , bila Iman luahkan perasaan Iman , Ibu sentiasa berfikiran positif. Tak pernah nak hampakan Iman dengan kata-kata Ibu.
Ibu , Iman janji satu , Iman akan naikkan nama keluarga , agama , sekolah dan negara. Dan apa yang Iman dah janji dengan ayah , insyaallah , Iman akan tunaikan kat Ibu juga. Insyaallah. Dan terima kasih untuk 26 April 2012 , lawatan Umrah ke Mekah. Iman tak sangka Iman akan pergi dengan Ibu dan Ayah. Walaupun muka tampak muram namun hati amat gembira....
I Love You Ibu,
Eyman Asyraf
what we could have been, 2:25 am.
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
Once upon a time, I fell in love with my bestfriend.
Talking to her became part of my Daily Routine. Every morning, her voice was the first thing I heard. She would call the moment she woke up, and no matter how exhausted I was, how early it was, it didn’t stop me from smiling and saying good morning.Then at Nine o’clock EXACTLY, she would call and we would talk until she fell asleep. And I would stay on and listen to her, she talks in her sleep sometimes. How much I wished I could be there and kiss her. She would never know.
She is the most beautiful thing my eyes ever set on. She never wore make up, and That’s how I liked it. She always smiled, at the tiniest things. Anything really, and her laugh? Oh man her laugh. She hated it, but she could never stop. And no matter how crappy my day was, when I heard her laugh, my heart would soar.
Then there were the days, when I thought she would stop smiling. When I thought she would never stop crying. Man.. Have you ever felt so helpless in your entire life? And it hurts, that we live far away, and I can’t be there to hold her. And you know what killed me? The reason why she cried. Because of some stupid guy that broke her heart. And I KNOW I could keep her smiling. I would never hurt her. Because I love her. Not that bull shitted love her boyfriend fed her. The kind of love that did not need any reminder. It would be a subconscious thing to know that I, with all my heart, Loved her.
And then the next days she would be okay. Like nothing happened. I’ve always admired how strong she was. No matter how much she was dying inside, she never changed. It just became a bit harder for her to smile..but she got through it.
I thought we were falling mutually in love, but my better mind knew it wasn’t true. It was just a fact, that all I was to her was her bestfriend. Nothing more. But there were those days That I would believe otherwise. and It gave me hope, but being realistic, she did not love back. I know she had mixed feelings, and I know it be easier to drop these feelings. But I had to keep trying..
And then one day. We had a big fight. I don’t understand what was happening, but we were both angry and yelling. I said things I regret in the past and present.. But this fight, was my biggest regret. She was crying now, and said the words that broke my heart, I am not your girlfriend. And I am sure I will never be! But I am your bestfriend, and thats what I’ll always be. Damn. It hurt so much. She hung up and said we needed space until I realized we are only friends. Until I let go.. but I love her so much.. It’s been about two months now, and we haven’t said a word to each other. I miss her so much. And I can’t decide what hurts more: Loving her and watching her get hurt, or Loving her and not knowing how she is/end.
Dear bestfriend: I love you, and I wish I could love you back the right way.
but honestly, we will can never anything more than friends.
what we could have been, 10:41 pm.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Assalamualaikum.
It was after the Tuesday Morning-Inspection at my dorm , Dorm 3 Rumah Hitam. Mrs Erwanie stepped into our dorm and gave us a huge compliment. She told us that our dorm is so much cleaner than the last time she walked into our dorm. Well , its a guys' dorm so girls , don't expect us to be like you , keep everything clean and neat.
After that , I walked towards the clothesline to hang my towel and my track bottom. Then , I walked at the corridor. Suddenly I have that 'something' popped into my mind. Remembering what happened last year during the inter-class debate between Set 3S and Set 3T , it was about THBT Money is More Important Than Love.
I'm not going to talk about the debate , what my point is , which one is needed the most ? Between Love and Money ? Which one will you choose ?
For me , I'd choose both. Do remember that everything in this world has its own advantages and disadvantages.
Why Do I choose Love ?
Love , it is important to everybody. Lacking of Love will give the ultimate effect to your life. Without Love , world will be invisible in the Milky Way. Without Love , there'll be no human race even if the Earth exist. Supreme isn't it ? Love doesn't mean that ' I Love You ' ' I Love You Too ! ' and some kind of it. Love is the basis of life , making us appreciate on our life , giving thanks to Allah , appreciate how He is generous enough to make us alive back after being 'dead' for a few hours. Without Love , there'll be no World War I. When there's no World War I , it means that the world does not exist. Okay , I'm sure you'll be asking even if there's Love , why is Palestine yet to be free from Israel ? Because , we yet to have that Love 100% in our life. I am sure that most of us just ignore what happened to Palestine and never even care about what will happen to them.
Why Do I choose Money ?
First , when I thought about money , I don't want to be poor. I don't want to have the same luck as how people in Somalia have now. I don't want to be like them. I am grateful of what I am now. But without money , we cannot get the Love. I'm not saying with money , love can be buy , no. That is not what I meant exactly. Just imagine , without money , you can buy no food , no clothes. When you cannot buy anything , your children will start to nag. See , where is the love when there's no money ?
Conclusion
Both Money and Love is important in our life. Both of them makes our life as how it need to be. So , there is no way you'll choose either one of them. In fact , all of us in this world , need both of them.
Sincerely
Eyman Asyraf
what we could have been, 10:31 pm.
Assalamualaikum.
I've been into a major break down. I feel dead. I feel less. I feel that my soul is not as how it should be. I never feel like this before. It's like you have no one to talk to. No one would wanna hear what I wanna say. I have no one to share story with. I've lost everything already , I guess.
Whenever I open my social network account , I feel dead. I feel dead when I saw those lovely lovey dovey wall-to-wall messages between a girl and a boy. Or a lovey dovey tweets between a grilfriend and a boyfriend. Its just that somehow I missed those days of having that 'someone' in my life to share things about everyday that happens in my life.
Am I that desperado in having a girl to be my girlfriend ? AM I ?? Or am I missing those days between me and .... Its just that I'm not into her anymore. Chances were given , not one , not two but three times and yet the things happened was just the same. I'm not going to talk about this again.
I've been having this conversation with a few of my girl friends , I just hope that they'll understand. I just don't know. Why do I need to be jealous of guys around me who's in a relationship ? Yes , honestly sometimes I just say that I don't give a damn fuck about it but in the end , that is what bugged my mind ever since.
Now , I'm stuck. I need my petsis to consult me about this. She owns a very big idea on how to solve things.
I.Feel.Dead.
Eyman Asyraf
what we could have been, 5:13 pm.
Heaven by Ailee
Where you are, I will be there too
Where you go, I will go there too
I smile for you every day, I pray for you
With thoughts of you, I fall asleep - I open my eyes as I call for you
You protect me by my side and you embrace me
You are my heaven
* You're my only one way
Only for you - I am thankful that I am next to you
You're the only one babe
You taught me love in this harsh world - I am happy with you alone
Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven x2
If we're together we will never cry never never cry
Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven x2
Forever, together - never gonna be alone
I breathe in your arms, we kiss in your arms
When I hear your voice, it feels like I'm dreaming
I can tell from your eyes, I can tell about your love
You are my heaven
* repeat
Heaven - my only person, yes the person who will protect me
Any sadness, any pain - if only I'm with you
I'm not jealous of anyone else - hold my two trembling hands
Because the reason I live is you
* repeat
Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven x2
If we're together we will never cry never never cry
Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven x2
Forever, together - never gonna be alone
Oh, so alone
If you ever noticed , this is the song that is on the playlist in my blog. Remembered You're Not Sorry by Taylor Swift as the first song to autoplay ? Well , this is the first ever K-Pop song I listed in my playlist. Some things happens with a reason. This song has a deep meaning.
Honestly , this song has been on replay in my mp3 for almost a week already. Each time I turn on my mp3 , this song is the only song I played. The point is , I want you all to read the lyrics bits by bits and understand it while hearing the song. Here's the video.
So yeah.
p.s : I'm out of idea to write in my blog.
what we could have been, 9:25 am.
Assalamualaikum.
Yesterday , I was busy studying with my friend at Surau. Suddenly , he asked us
" Weh , don't you miss our time when we were in form 1 ? When we ran around the block chasing each other. When we got the 100 push ups for punishment of being late for Subuh. When we fought with each other ? When we used to get push ups again as our punishment for being late to prepare for solat Jumaat ? I miss those days. "
Suddenly , I realise , I've been missing those days so much. I hate the facts that I've been in my school for almost 4 years. It was like yesterday , I registered in Sekolah Tuanku Abdul Rahman , Ipoh with the registration number of 9956 , got into Dorm 3 Matrix with Abang Mamak as my dorm prefect. Not to mention that I'm the dorm leader that time. Miss that day so much. I remembered when we got into troubles , we'll have a meeting conducted by Abang Mamak. He was so fierce that everybody don't even dare to make many mistake. I remembered the day when we got into that one meeting with Abang Mamak , it was so quiet and suddenly Bob farted so loud , don't ask me about the smell , HORRIBLE !
I just can't believe that I'm now a senior , senior to all my juniors. I'm going to lead the school in 2013. I'm going to lead all my juniors towards a better lifestyle. But , I just can't handle it , it's hard for me to handle everything by my own. Having that kind of job is very tough for me , not only that , even for all of my batchmates.
I seldom hang out with my dorm mates and now , I kinda feel that I hate my dorm so much as how I hate my nemesis. I've turned into a quiet boy since then. I never talked to any of my dorm mates unless there's this important things to talk.
Same goes to my relationship with my ex. It has been almost 4 months since we broke up. I'm lonely indeed but I have that friend who is willing to hear every story that I wanna tell. She is so great and awesome , always wanna hear what I'm going to talk about. Sometimes , I even helped her in debat problems or giving her some of my opinion.
So now , I think I should move on with my life. Wish that everything in the future will be perfect , yeah , I know , nothing is perfect but I'll define 'perfect' with my own way.
i'm hungry..
Eyman Asyraf
what we could have been, 6:07 pm.
Saturday, 11 February 2012
Assalamualaikum.
Untuk entri kali ini , Aku berniat untuk menaip menggunakan bahasa Melayu kerana entri ini lebih sesuai untuk disampaikan dalam versi bahasa Melayu.
Kisah kali ini , Aku ingin bercerita mengenai seorang kawan Aku yang bagiku , seorang yang sangat matang dalam memikirkan sesuatu perkara sebelum dia lakukannya. Tidak perlu untuk Aku beritahu siapakah gerangannya kerana Aku yakin , dia akan membaca entri ini.
Aku semakin hari semakin kasihan melihat pelbagai dugaan dan rintangan yang dia lalui. Kekadang , Aku tak sanggup melihat dia menderita walaupun dia seringkali berkata " Eyman , tengoklah nanti , aku akan make sure ...... " . Kata-katanya itu kekadang membuatkan Aku berasa yakin , dia memang tabah menghadapi segala dugaan ini.
Cabaran untuk memenang sebuah pertandingan pada bulan lepas gagal namun dia tidak mengalah. Dia ditawarkan untuk menghantar sebuah tesis kepada sebuah pertandingan inovasi di eropah dan kini , Aku bangga , dia berjaya mengagumkan Aku. Aku tidak sangka , apa yang difikirkan luar daripada kotak pemikiran rakyat tipikal. Dia , Kreatif dan Kritis.
Dahulu , pergaduhan sering tercetus antara Aku dan dia , peleraian berlaku sebelum menduduki PMR 2011. Saat keputusan diumumkan , Aku tidak risau akan keputusanku namun Aku risau akan keputusan dia. AKu tidak sanggup untuk melihat dia gagal dalam perjalanan hidup menuju menara gading. Alhamdulillah , dia juga mempunyai keputusan yang sama dengan aku.
Apa yang membuat aku terharu , walaupun dia berada dalam keluarga yang berada , tambahan ayahnya telah pergi buat selamanya , Dia masih mampu menghadapi segala dugaan ini. Sekadar perkongsian pengalaman , sewaktu Aku memegang slip keputusan PMR 2011 dia , Aku bangga mempunyai kawan seperti dia. Berkongsi tarikh lahir yang sama , ke mana-mana bersama. Dia sanggup turun ke Sekolah Bintang , Ipoh untuk mengambil keputusannya. Datang hanya dengan menaiki van , bersama 6 adik-beradiknya yang lain , memang terharu. Pertengahan perjalanan tergendala akibat gangguan teknikal pada van tersebut tidak pernah melupuskan impiannya untuk menunjukkan slip keputusannya kepada ibu yang tersayang. Aku bangga.
Sewaktu hendak datang ke Sekolah Bintang , datang menaiki van yang sama , tergendala separuh perjalanan namun tetap sampai ke sini jua. Tidak ada apa yang mampu memusnahkan semangatnya untuk menimba ilmu. Kekadang , Aku terkilan dengan sikap Aku yang hanya mampu berkata " Ya " , " Ok " dan sebagainya sewaktu dia bercakap dengan aku. Jauh sudut hati Aku , bangga tidak terkata.
Aku cuma berharap agar dia tidak akan lupa akan Aku walaupun hingga ke alam perkahwinan kelak. AKu tidak mahu persahabatan ini menjadi satu persahabatan yang tergendala pada satu titik di mana Aku dan dia mula mengejar impian dan cita-cita masing-masing. Aku tidak mahu dia melupakan Aku walaupun Aku tahu , Aku bukanlah seorang kawan yang baik kepadanya.
Aku Bangga Ada Kawan Macam Kau
what we could have been, 11:19 pm.
Assalamualaikum.
So , what's up everybody ? Having a good day ? I wish all of you are in a good condition. I'm not feeling well with my blog so if you all noticed , I changed my music player to a new song. So , hope all of you enjoy the songs !
Tonight , I'm going to talk about something which is very familiar around me and you , yeah , you the readers. Before I proceed , I want to ask , have you ever fall in love ? Or I might say that you fall in love again ? I'm pretty sure that some of you as well may say that you are in love / practically fallen in love / not looking forward on any relationship. Right ? So , I better proceed on what I should talk.
Love is a basis of life which everyone needs it , no matter how hard life goes , love is the way that you can express to someone. Someone who is your family , friends or even your lover ? I know , not everyone of us are having a relationship with someone but think again , do you really enjoy your time being his/her gf/bf ? Unless that you are in a relationship that will last till your wedding reception.
Honestly , I am trying to enjoy myself as being a single guy. I know that someone will eventually appear in my life one day but I just don't wanna put my hopes up on someone and get into a relationship. I just don't want that to happen. What I need now is a friend who is willing to hear my story everyday despite my bff. I've found someone and eventually she's a girl. And yeah , I won't exaggerate this time. I'm tired of being annoying to everyone. Eh wait , not annoying but being super friendly to everyone.
So , I wanna ask , do you think that LOVE as in having a relationship with someone is so important in a young age ? I really need your comment about it. Please tweet your comments at my Twitter *click the link given at the left side of the blog or the bottom side of my blog* .
writing with no points,
Eyman Asyraf
what we could have been, 12:04 am.
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
" Excuse me , miss. Where is this address ? " Nana asked some pedestrian around New York , showing the pedestrian an address wrote on a piece of paper.
Nana hoped that the address can lead to Cheryl Daniella's daughter's house. She wanted to know what happened to Cheryl and wanted to solve it.
The moment that the pedestrian showed the way to Cheryl's daughter's house , Nana's hand gripped Asyraf's hand tightly. She was so excited to meet Cheryl's daughter. Asyraf was happy too. But he doesn't put his hope too high because he doesn't want to see the disappointment in Nana's face. He wants that everything will go well.
*Knock knock
" Yes ? May I help you ? "
" Is this Cheryl Daniella Thompson's daughter ? " Nana asked.
She nodded , " Yes I am , is there anything I can help ? "
" I'm Tengku Nur Ilyana and this is Tengku Asyraf Zufairi , my fiancee. We're from Malaysia and I've got some question about Cheryl , your mom. And your name is ? "
" My name is Andriella Drew Carter. Please come in. " Nana arranged her step to the brown couch near a coffee table.
" Wait a minute , I'll make you some green tea. " She went inside the kitchen.
Nana observed the house. Everything was perfectly in place. A few frame of pictures hanged on the wall , a collection of tea set arranged neatly in a transparent cupboard , a bouquet of flower in a vase arrenged neatly on the dining table. She came to conclude that the theme of the house is English themed house.
" Nana , this house is very neat and clean. Tak macam bilik you , bersepah. Hihihi " mocked Asyraf. I think , that is the reason why Nana fell in love with Asyraf. Well , they met in a Science exhibition in Nana's school while they were still young. They were 16 that time , I guess.
" You ni , bilik I kemas okay ? Eh eh , here she comes "
" So , what made both of you come here ? I guess both of you should know that my mom passed away 6 years ago , it was tragic. " slowly , she started the conversation about her mom.
" Andriella , I had this dream where your mom was there. She got into an accident and went into coma state for a week. I went for a coma state for a week , too ! I dreamed about it while I was in my coma. I was wondering , what happened to Cheryl ? Can you tell me what happened ? I guess your dad did told you what happened , isn't it ?
" It was.... " Andriella suddenly stopped , a few drop of tears fell down.
To be continued...
what we could have been, 12:00 am.
